This New Mattress That Alerts You If Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend is Cheating On You Is The Dumbest Thing Ever

Engadget- Having failed at marketing their internet-connected mattress for babies, Spanish company Durmet has flipped the pillow talk on their WiFi-enabled “Smarttress.” The device now comes in an adult-sized version with what Durmet sees as its newest killer feature: a “Lover Detection System” that will buzz your phone every time it detects suspicious activity. With 24 ultrasonic sensors embedded in the springs, the mattress can detect… action across multiple contact zones and “sends an alert to your mobile phone whenever someone is using your bed in a questionable way.” But the questionably smart mattress offers more than just simple alarms. According to the dramatically soundtracked promotional video, the app also delivers creepily specific bedtime analytics like a “Speedometer” and “Intensity and impact per minute” metrics. That means you, the paranoid buyer of smart mattresses, won’t just be spying on your cheating partner, you’ll also be able to monitor their performance.

I don’t even know if this is real. I did some investigative journalism (Googled it) and there are tech companies talking about these beds so I’m just going to assume it’s real. Which mean it’s the dumbest thing ever invented. Who cheats at home in their own bed? Have these mattress makers never seen any movie ever? Cheaters go to hotels and motels. Cheaters don’t shit where they eat. That’s Cheating 101. They will have sex with their side piece literally anywhere other than their own bed. This mattress lulls people into a false sense of security. So the bed at home ain’t rocking while they’re at work and it makes them feel like they have a good partner. Meanwhile, the bed in room 413 at the Holiday Inn Express down the street is rocking like a mofo. If anything, this bed is the best news cheaters can get. As long as they don’t have sex with their mistress at home, they’re in the clear. Also, you’ve already lost if you have to buy a special bed in order to make sure your significant other isn’t cheating. Those suspicions will fester and will ultimately cause the other person to cheat. At a hotel.